Cannot leave house. Sleeping and unhappy and hiding. Have stripped half the friends off my facebook, figuring they can get hold of me if they need to, but they have connections to the past, to my home town where the pedophile who molested me when I was a kid lives. That’s why I hated facebook yesterday, saw people having fun and laughing and joking on pictures, people who have lied to save his skin. I innocently looked at a friend request and ended up seeing things I didn’t want to see, and probably seeing where the bastard lives, courtesy of google maps! So not brilliant.
As I was stripping people from my friends list, trying to protect myself from.stumbling across any information about the pedophile and his family, it came time to remove a friend of 20 years who is no longer a friend. Things came to an end a few months ago after his reaction to my overdose, the biggy, when I was in a coma and on life support. His reaction was more about him than me, it was such a telling off lecture letting me know how selfish I am. He actually said he was considering whether or not he could be friends with me because every month something worse would happen. I felt so sorry for him… But then I thought, do u really thing this is planned or on purpose? Do you realise how fucked up my world has been?
Anyway I took a decision to tell somebody the truth before deleting them, not him, his girlfriend and obviously it didn’t go down well. I didn’t think it would but sometimes when you know something about someone and you know It’s gonna hurt them, do u keep quiet or do u speak up? Once I knew a guy who’s gf was cheating on him and they would all come round to our house, the guy, his gf, and the guy she was cheating on him with. Arkward. I only knew about it all by mistake, but everyone in the room knew and I just thought, she’s making such a twat of him. I felt sorry for him, but I never said anything, to my shame. I don’t know if he ever got to know the truth but I never kept company with them again because I was so uncomfortable with it.
So my friend who I deleted had spoken to me about his gf and basically made her out to be an accessory, he was not in love with her, did not want to be with her long term and eventually hoped she would.meet somebody else so that he didn’t have to finish it. Each time he talked about her, and she is really nice, I was just thinking in my head, you twat, why are you wasting her time, her life. Why are you treating her like this? It really bugged me. So as I deleted him, I deleted her and apologised for what I was about to say, and I said it, I said how he had spoken about her and their relationship. Was I right or wrong to do so? That’s an ethical question, all I know is I don’t like knowing someone is being tricked or lied to, I really don’t like knowing and I ask myself, would I want to know? And the answer is yes. So that’s how I judge things.
It’s been called spite, I’ve been called childish and nasty and told I will end up alone. And the best, or the worst bit is this comment….. “stop hiding your personality behind your illness” this comment I don’t get. So I’ve been thinking about it and you know what, there’s nothing wrong with my personality, what I did was my moral choice. I didn’t do it because I was ill, I did it because I believe it was right.
I will come back to this comment because there is more to be said about how mental illness is interpreted by others.