It’s strange that I find myself appraising the decor of a different psychiatric ward this evening. I am noting things like, well it isn’t very pretty and certainly not a happy abundant environment, no patients’ art work on the walls etc, but oh, they have duvets and 2 pillows, that’s nice. They aren’t all the same these places, there are pros and cons with the layout, the outside space, the furniture, the decor, but they have the same function to me – they keep me safe.
I just walked past a lovely picture of a boat and a lighthouse, which wouldn’t look out of place on the wall of a cheap hotel, but I noted that it would look nice in my hall at home, cause I’m going for a nautical theme. I can’t answer the question which looms in my mind, Jules, why can’t you sleep at home in your nice flat? And it looms in my mind as I investigate my new surroundings, the three other not very well people I am sharing a room with, the bearded men watching football in the tv room etc.
I could get to know the other people, that might stop the constant thought of wrist cutting out of my mind, but I don’t want to talk to them. I know they are there, that they are not well and that they are safe here. I don’t want to interact this time. I can’t. I’ve come here for a purpose, I don’t know it yet, but for now I am happy to take on the purpose of trip advisor, because looking around and comparing, and noting the plus points is going to get me through tonight. I haven’t inspected the bathroom facilities yet. I will save that for later.
I think it is brave, to know when there is a problem, and despite everything, to try to overcome it. A few nights in an all inclusive like this might just help me to figure out what is next. I don’t want to think about my arms anymore. That’s why I came here, and i don’t suppose they will amputate them for me so until they stop being a problem, I’m staying. I hope it is not very long because I wish I had my colour charts with me. This place could use some brightening up.
The lady in the next bed has just made a declaration. She whispered to herself “i declare that this hospital ward is safe for time travel” and I want to say to her, shhh, I’m trying to sleep. But the idea of it all has me thinking.