I was just messing about saying something was so boring it put me in a coma then I had a flash of wait a minute you were in a coma once, and it wasn’t funny. Then I had a flash of holy shit I was in a coma. The only person I have ever really talked to about it is my psychologist and even then I just gloss over it. I think it is too scary to contemplate, like the big why are we all here question.
So I’m gonna reflect on it here for a couple of minutes…
I remember what lead up to it, and I remember waking up on life support and neither memories are pleasant. In fact I think the worst bit now is reflecting on what might have been my final hours of my life and just how desperate they were. Not what anybody dreams of. No angels. No heartfelt goodbyes. Just lots of alcohol, drugs, pills, arm cutting and hysteria. The scary part is I do not remember the last bit, the ambulance, the bit where I stopped breathing. I remember falling asleep on the back seat of a police car and then waking up some days later with a tube breathing for me and wires in my neck and arms.
Ok it wasn’t that bad to write the above. I don’t feel depressed by it. Ashamed, a little. Mostly I just can’t believe it. And I don’t know what brought me back. They said I was very lucky. I agree with them. I would like my last hours to be better than that. I deserve better than that. I don’t want it to ever get that bad again. Ever.
I gotta keep on with all my therapy and all my honesty and keep on saying I need help when I think I might. I know that for certain I do not want my life to end in that way. I can’t imagine what my family and friends felt while I was like that. No matter how bad it gets, that is not how I want to leave this earth.
I think being in a coma is the worst thing I have ever done to myself. I have a small scar on my neck from one of the wires they put in me and it upsets me. I don’t like looking at it. I guess I don’t like remembering. They kept me alive and brought me back and that has to be for something. I think I can make it be for something. I’m gonna try. I really am gonna try.